The Birds Nest

Akron, Ohio

When I worked at Comp USA, customers would become infuriated if we were out of stock on a cable they needed or if they felt the prices were too high on cables. They would swear at us and say the entire store—me included—was run by idiots.

I think they wanted me to become angry or upset, but I always remained calm and would reply, “Honestly I don’t even know why you buy cables here, when Cabling Solutions has such better options and prices.”

“Really?” they would ask, and I would give them directions to Cabling Solutions. This was before mobile phones with GPS and Google, so I gave very specific directions.

Now, in actual fact, there was no such thing as Cabling Solutions. Instead, I was giving them directions to The Birds Nest, a strip club in a bad part of town.

One day I walked by the cabling aisle and overheard a colleague directing a customer—who seemed perfectly nice—toward Cabling Solutions in order to find the cord she needed. I took the employee aside:

“Why are you sending her to Cabling Solutions?” I asked.

“We don’t have her cable,” they responded.

“OK, but...Cabling Solutions doesn’t exist. I made it up.”

“What? You send people there all the time!”

“I send assholes there! It’s a strip club off Kenmore Boulevard. We can’t send that lady there.”

“Well, I assumed it was real...I mean, you seemed like one of the more knowledgeable employees...so...”

“I don’t even own a computer, man.”

“So, you’re...like...just a jackass?”

Most of the people who know me would probably say that exchange pretty well sums up what it’s like to maintain a friendship with me.

WHAT THE HELL AM I READING HERE?

Hi. My name is Sean Bair-Flannery. I live in Oak Park, Illinois, with my wife Jessica and our three kids. I perform standup comedy at night and during the day I fix computers.

 

This is chapter from my book, “Places I Can’t Return To”.

 

Each week, I release a new chapter (the current one completes below). If you enjoy the stories, you can buy the full book below or, next week, you can come back and read the subsequent chapter.

 

Purchase Full Book:

    Digital                                 $4.99

    Paperback                   $14.99

    Audio                                     $19.99

 

This book is true stories, but it is not a memoir. It is a more an illustration — maybe a warning — of what your life will look like if you decide to live everyday like it’s your last. I actually followed that advice. I followed it for a good fifteen years.

 

I can’t re-enter most the places I visited in that time.

—S. B-F

 
That Comp USA closed. The Birds Nest closed a few weeks later and I’d like to think that’s related: that I sent enough assholes to “Cabling Solutions” to keep that strip club afloat.

Ultimately, I suppose both businesses were killed by the internet. And what’s even more sad than all the businesses that the internet has killed, is that the internet has also made it really hard to send assholes away with bad directions.